my testimony....




she was empty, lost and lonely
she had long been thrown away
she had lost the will to struggle
and fight another day... 


so she went up to the carpenter
the one upon the hill...
with his hammers and his chisels
and his very special will


and she lay her life before him
so unworthy and unclean
and he began to carve the princess
like none has ever seen


in silence and in quiet
through windy nights and fearful storms
he chiselled on relentlessly
to bring about the form


the form that lay within the life
the one they tried to hide
the one the carpenter laid eyes on
the princess locked inside


upon that life of ugliness
he chiselled and he ground
the carpenter carved all through the night
and the little girl was found


and when they all came searching
for the one they threw away
they happened upon the princess
and the carpenter in their way


and when they tried to hurt her
and mock the carved one's trust
the carpenter took their judgements
and he ground them into dust


and he set her at the table
and he laid for her a feast
and he said, you are a princess
and not a worthless beast


and he bade them all - come closer
and have a look with me
at what you called unworthy
at what you didn't see


and i will show you beauty
that only i can see...




                       ... and then he turned and kissed the princess


                             ...he had hidden deep in me.
   

ugly as...anything

i used an old lamp and covered it with
magazine pictures - 'priceless'

why is it...


that the moment something becomes popular
all of a sudden
it becomes expensive
when - usually - not always

it has been created
out of need or
necessity
and probably 
because
someone who was poor 
and who couldn't afford
to buy the expensive thing
decided instead to
create something else
that would do - then it would be beautiful
because it cost just about nothing
and it looked great
and it was the only one
around
and that would make it priceless
and priceless
is pretty expensive
which is strange -

i covered this one with tissues -
crazy!

hairless - means no hair
priceless - should mean - no price
which of course - it does
but for some crazy reason -
to have no price -
means to be so expensive -
that only someone with heaps of money-
can price it!



Crazy as!

ugly as...naked

there is a writer
beside
a naked bulb


every word
is not discarded
or thrown away
as rubbish


for they hold
ideas
moments
of
genius


oh for a naked bulb
an empty rubbish bin
and 
courage


yes please

ugly as...squandering your life...

i have squandered my money
i have squandered my love
i have squandered my time
i have squandered my energy
i have squandered my trust...


squander: to spend or use extravagantly or wastefully, to dissipate, to cause to disperse, to lose an opportunity


dissipate: intemperate in the pursuit of pleasure


disperse: to drive off or scatter


intemperate:  having or showing a lack of self-control


extravagant: lacking in moderate balance and restraint


all in the pursuit of happiness...


sometimes you have to see it in black and white to get it




                   
                   

ugly as...repetitiveness

if we all sat down
and wrote a book
about our lives
i wonder how different
our stories would be?


i wonder if the important stuff
would differ greatly
or
would we all
just spit out
exactly the same stuff


i think it's amazing
how many times
i repeat things
but maybe
it's so i'll
remember
not 
to 
forget

ugly as...school heaters

my $1 trademe bargain memory maker

...remember the days
    warming your hands
    burning your stockings
    drying your socks
    these were the best reasons
            for going to school
    

ugly as...not even

on a grey gloomy tauranga day...
i stayed in my dressing gown...
and the thought of laziness
crossed my mind...
so did the thought of wastefulness...


but humbug...


so i used my time
to take photos
of home...


and it amazes me
how beautiful things look








maybe that's how magazines do it

just- maybe not
in their dressing gowns

                                          

ugly as...risking humiliation

...vessels...

...naked we came in
       & (apparently)
...naked we go out


...and the in between time
   we spend
   clothing ourselves


...in everything
   
...but splendour


                       what idiots

ugly as...realising that maybe money does get in the way

...maybe
   like bubble glass
   which obscures
   your view


...money
   obscures
   your view
   




...and your potential
                             is actually hidden on the other side


...where potentially you may have nothing
...but
...your potential


                                 ...woah...!

ugly as...my most jealous lover

I lay in bed last night, wondering why

He abandons me

I always thought...

if He abandon's me...

then I have nothing...

nothing...

nothing of worth...

and I realised I was right

He

has been leading me here

all along

He was my most jealous lover

He has always been

my most jealous lover

His love is 

the most jealous

of all the loves

I have had

His jealous love

has walled me in

His jealous love

has barricaded my doors

His jealous love 

destroys his enemies

before me

His jealous love

makes fools of my other lovers

for my eyes to see

His jealous love

roars through the heavens...

'she is mine, she is mine, she is mine'

His jealous love

will not 

let another

have me

His jealous love had not abandoned me

His love had chosen me

Me

And before I went to sleep

I realised how blessed I was

I had been chosen

to be loved by

Him

and

I realised

 He will not let a thing

stand in His way

Not one thing!

His jealous love

guards me

His jealous love

covers me

His jealous love

sustains me

His jealous love

uplifts me

His jealous love

is long suffering

His jealous love

is the love

I 

have longed for

He is my most jealous lover

and now i know

that they will not find me

with out first

coming through Him

I am not abandoned... He is with me always...

He is my most jealous lover

Amen

ugly as...oooh look, snap...ish

oooh...elephant measuring cups


and look....what i have sitting in my kitchen since the day i found them...many months ago...

great minds...or just great finds...
i got these at a second-hand shop
for $3...
which also came with...

plant holder
(basil plant struggling through winter)

salt holder which is perfect for tooth picks

...it seems we really don't need multi million dollar corporations dominating what we like...
                    ...we may possibly be able to 
                                       ...trust our own hearts...

ugly as...sensing freedom is just around the corner

     ...how long, and how tearful
  have i been...
knowing that i have come to the end of myself...
and all that i thought i had to be...
and all that i realised i was never going to be...
and all the broken dreams that i hung on to for way too long
and all of the me that i believed, was so ugly...
and God gave me a trick question...
He said...do you trust me?

....just chatting away
    from my chair in tauranga...
     to my daughter in london...
       and it doesn't seem so far...
           and a postcard doesn't take that long


...and she gets to play me her fave' london song...
     and i get to play it too...when i miss her...
        and i think maybe...
           all that technology has really done...
                is show us....
                  how really connected we have always been...
                          'sweet' aye!


                            so this is my  postcard from london

Kelly Designs: Friday Finds Me ... happy and alone :)

Kelly Designs: Friday Finds Me ... happy and alone :)


....another long lost introvert...
   i'm not keen on the music posted on this 'post'
    but...that's what being true to yourself is all about
             i reckon!

No-Churn homemade icecream | The Wanna be Country Girl - StumbleUpon

No-Churn homemade icecream | The Wanna be Country Girl - StumbleUpon

...when you stumble across things that so simply 
             un-complicate life...and undo the knots
     in your stomach...
           and let you know that behind most complicated
  things...
        someone out there has found a 'secret'
    and things aren't as complicated as some (tip-top)
       would have you believe...
 you can see that possibly the 'powers that be' 
      have done this with most things...
                maybe even your life!
   
It takes things like unchurned ice-cream to put things in
                 perspective!


                      and all the people said, Amen!

ugly as...crap like that

is it me
or are we relying on too many experts to 
tell us who and what we should be...
i'm sort of pretty sure..
well, i am now, anyway...
    (and i know that you can't put an old head on young shoulders)
that though i didn't pay too much attention, anyway
i'm sure that a lot of my time was wasted...
acknowledging way too much of the time, 
that i wasn't pretty enough...
and then, when i thought that i might have been pretty enough...
i wasted too much time trying to keep it up...
and i know now, it wasn't going to last...
    (and i know that it's not meant to)
and too many tears are cried over crap like that

and i adore this
http://pinterest.com/pin/14515540/

   
  

ugly as...telling them how it is...

                                              i am just going to bombard myself
                                                                                                            
"I drive around the streets 
an inch away from weeping, 
ashamed of my sentimentality and 
possible love." 
— Charles Bukowski (Love is a Dog From Hell: Poems, 1974-1977)   

how can this man know me so so so so well....

it's part of the connection, i spose...

the connection that has always been there...

and all i had to do was...oh bugger conformity...

it's just not working for me...it never has...

i had to get drunk to allow myself to be in the bullshit

i hated...now i've resigned from that crap...

and i have the worst hangover i've ever had...

a hangover of other people's expectations...

and bugger, i don't have a road map anymore...

but...

you know, as i've pushed myself to expose my trueness to myself...my worst critic...

i'm finding people like charlie boy...who just accepted it...

and i am thankful that he had the courage or balls

to write it down

yeeha!

ugly as...negative people and stupid questions...

"We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing." 
— Charles Bukowski


          we are eaten up by nothing....
          we are eaten up by nothing...
          oh lord, remind me...how ridiculous i can be...


i thought of answers this morning
when you are having a go...
and someone has to say... what if it...


so here are my answers...
what are you going to do if it doesn't stick?      
what are you going to do if it does?
what are you going to do if they say no?
what are you going to do if they say yes?
what are you going to do if they don't care?
what are you going to do if they do care?
what are you going to do if there is no God?
what are you going to do if there is?
                  
                 in short...
                  what if ....don't
                              ....won't
                              ....can't


                      becomes.....
                                        do!
                                      will!
                            and    can!

ugly as...having a try at something new

maybe photoshop should be handed out
instead of anti depressants...
i wonder how many more lives would be saved
if instead of chemically enhancing our brains...
we were handed crayons and paints and pens and paper
and glue and clay ... and given time ... to spend
just listening to what our hearts are really saying...
to just open the door a fraction... to our creativeness..
to give our true hearts... a place to speak
maybe, that would transform us...
from just everyday people, standing on steps...in front of
a nondescript building...and place us in an enchanted forest
with moonbeams...spraying us...
with possibility...

if i can do it...
and i did....
then so can you...

ugly as...not really knowing what you're doing

so...when you don't really know what you're doing...
the question then becomes....
do i do nothing until i know what i should do
or 
do i do something and find out what it is i don't know
because someone will point it out
or 
do i do the something which makes it appear that i know what i'm doing
or
failing to do any of that...do i make a post which more 
or
less tells people that i'm not sure what i'm doing...but

my brother told me the other day...
that he likes to remind himself of this...
a rudder cannot steer a ship
unless it is moving!
(well, something like that...)
so, that's what i'm doing

                     

ugly as...finding a wee place for business

when you see a place and your heart skips a beat...
like...i think that's where i want to be...
and it's halfway around the world...
and where you are...feels like an overcoat that has become too heavy
...and you wonder why you are seeing things...
a long way off...a long long way off...
and you remember...
and you consider...
maybe...i am seeing my possibility...
and your hope kicks in again...
and you breathe and remember...
how truelly creative you are...
maybe you don't have to be halfway around the world...
maybe...
you are there already!

ugly as...forgetting the little stuff...

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared on Vimeo


so true...if we don't use our creativity...
we fail to enjoy the creativity in others...
maybe...
only when we become vulnerable enough...
will we accept others creatively, enjoying our differences
and not be so
hardhearted and life stealing...
demanding that everyone fit into our ideal...
an ideal we ourselves abhor...
   because if that's the case...we may as well be dead...
                  
          and my nana always used to say to me...
                     you're a long time dead...
                 i think she said that to scare me...
                             but it's true, nonetheless!

ugly as...deciding not to delete their swear words when you are being supportive

of apples and trees and things...
sometimes it's just who you are....

                          "my mama told me...there'll be days like this"

                        This is fucking cute, I took a picture of myself when I got to Gareth’s...
                                                                 t.i.f.c.by Chanelle Kennedy.
                                                                       

ugly as...an introverts ideal residence

ugly as...yep that's what it feels like most days

ugly as...secrets

...i hate secrets...i hate keeping them...i hate it when the only reason you are keeping a secret is because someone you know will get in deep shite with someone else if they found out...and you know that the secret you are keeping is one, that should be out in the open...because someone is being hurt without them knowing it...know what i mean?

while looking through my stuff that i had stored at a friends place
i spied this cabinet stored off to one side...the wood was ugly and dirty, it's stain had yellowed to ugliness, covered in dust, kids felt tip drawings, finger prints over the doors, spilt coffee marks,...just ugly and discarded as if it held some deep secret and would never see the light of day again...because it knew too much...

of course...i poked my nose in...i couldn't leave it like that...i saw it's potential...did anyone want it...was it to be thrown out...was it for sale...
  secret revealed: 

1. yep it was for sale
2. it had been hidden there
3. the owner's wife had moved out of the home
4. the owner had been having an affair
5. the owner had told the wife he had sold it 
6. but he hadn't
7. he was denying the affair
8. the person storing the cabinet was his friend and the storer knew the secret
9. the owner was using the friend as his alibi while he was out and about with other women
10. the owner would take whatever i'd pay for it, because apparently, it was sold anyway...so he couldn't really argue!

     so...
                 

           i bought it! what's $20 among secret holders aye?
                     
           i had in mind to paint the whole thing cream...


                 but i cleaned it down...took the doors off and started painting...and realised i don't paint all that well....and i was getting too frustrated...so i put it back together and stood back and well, i just fell in love with it...sometimes less is more...
             and now it has life...and no secrets...no shame attached...
                      hmmm... man isn't life funny...
                              just as you are writing about a funny little cabinet....
                                                 you just go pop....and you get it!